Being brutally honest is just being rude in disguise

I need to start this post by admitting that I, Shannon McNamara, am a highly sensitive person.

I'm not even saying that as a phrase, it's an honest-to-god condition. I have sensitive hearing, sensitive eyes, sensitive skin and my favorite spice is butter because I’m way too sensitive for anything spicy.

So perhaps I'm biased when I say this, but people who refer to themselves as brutally honest need to truly be honest and instead refer to themselves as an asshole.

Oooo I hate when people say they're brutally honest. I hate it for a few reasons.

The first is that they believe being brutally honest is a good thing. They talk proudly about how they’re scathing, and they preface things they say with it.

People who are brutally honest will start sentences with phrases like, “look, I’m brutally honest so…” which is basically the cousin of starting a sentence by saying, “no offense” or “don’t take this the wrong way”

Also - this could be an entirely new blog post - but I find that a lot of women who refer to themselves as brutally honest usually say that in an attempt to seem like they’re “not like other girls”. It guess it makes sense, right? Women are stereotyped to white lie and give out cuddly answers instead of harsh ones.

"I won't lie to you," Katie will purr to you over cocktails after work. "I'm brutally honest like that, I just keep it real."

Oh, but Katie doesn't keep it real. Katie keeps it biting, and harsh. And you leave conversations with Katie feeling small and hurt.

Keeping it real is a great thing. No one wants to be lied to. Tell me I have a booger in my nose, let me know if there's spinach in my teeth.

But I abide by the 5-minute rule. To avoid hurting people’s feelings, you should only mention something about them if it can be changed in 5 minutes.

Can you see their bra through their shirt and they're about to head out? Tell them! Do they have lipstick on their teeth? Let 'em know!

But if their eyes are too close together or they have cellulite or a crooked tooth...telling them about those things isn't being "brutally honest". It's just being...rude in disguise.

My best friend in college, Tara*, was self-proclaimed "brutally honest". I remember one evening, drinking in her dorm room with her roommate and a few friends.

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show had recently aired, and we were groaning over how attractive the models were, and mixing drinks made of tequila and lemonade powder.

"These women are all perfect tens” I had proclaimed to the group. "Who do you think made up the idea of rating people on a scale? Doesn't everyone use it on a different scale?"

I remember Tara's eyes had lit up, and she pushed some of her hair behind her ears and crouched forward on her bed.

"Totally," she agreed. "Like I'm brutally honest, so I grade people on it very realistically."

"You actually use that for people?" I laughed. "Okay, what guys do you think are a 10?"

"I don't really use it for guys," she shrugged, "mostly women. Like I would consider myself an 8."

We had mumbled something in agreement, and that was almost the end of it, but Cindy spoke up.

"Tara, what would you rate me?"

"Let's...not...." I had started.

"I would rate you a 4," Tara immediately said.

The rest of the night was a shit show. Tara was quick to point out Cindy’s flaws that factored into her rating. She then proceeded to rate all of the girls in the room. I was pre-nose job at that point, and remember holding my breath as Tara turned her eyes to me.

"7," she said. I let out a breath. Thank god. She was only my best friend at the time.

We all kept arguing, fueled by tequila and insecurity, and Tara soon was shouting that she would even rate the Victoria's Secret Angels as 9's.

"Candice?! FUCKING ADRIANNA? How can you say that?"

"It's hard for me to give a 10 to someone!" Tara was shouting.

Ah, college. These are the memories we'll hold onto forever, am I right?

Tara wasn't brutally honest that night. Sure, she pointed out all of our flaws quickly and candidly. But that wasn't brutally honest - it was just brutal.

People say they're being brutally honest as an excuse to just be rude. We all need to have a filter in everyday life.

You can't just say anything you want, and expect people to be okay with it because it's - by your standards - honest.

People have feelings, and you need to respect them if you want to live well with others.

So it's my ask that people in this world refrain from being brutally honest and instead focus on taking accountability. Did you just insult your friend and make her feel bad? Don't absolve yourself from blame by referencing your honesty. Take responsibility for making her feel bad, and apologize.

There are times when being honest is essential - but if you’re ever being honest about something that doesn’t fit into the 5-minute rule, take a moment and ask yourself why you’re about to honestly insult someone. Are you truly trying to be helpful? Or is there something else behind it?

Ahh, god this felt good to write. I should really rename this blog to be "Shannon's moans about the world" shouldn't I? I promise the next post will be cheerier!

Until the next one,
S