Tonight is another night where I’m up at 5AM (after two hours of sleep) because the internet is perplexing me.

And not just in a me-me-me content creator type of way. It’s perplexed me since before I even got on TikTok. I’ve always been that type of person to be bewildered by how people act on the internet.

And I think it’s how they act and not what they say. I love difference of opinions. I’m really fascinated by everyone’s opinions, and that’s why so much of the internet calls to me. I love finding niche subreddits and reading from people their opinions on what it’s like having children, or shellfish allergies, or the experience of being a first time cat owner - being able to read forums of people expressing how they honestly feel (even when, and especially it’s something I haven’t experienced firsthand) is like a form of digital anthropology that I’m almost addicted to.

It’s not what people say that perplexes me but how they act. It’s the way that no one on the internet says “I disagree with you” anymore. Instead, it’s “I usually love all of your takes but this one…” or “girl you missed the point” or the using of your first name in comments as if you’re friendly (but you’re complete strangers to one another). There’s no more respectful disagreement on the internet, there’s just comments tinged with shaming elements, sarcasm, and a little parasocial cherry on top.

And these recent feelings are spurred by a TikTok I made talking about how I don’t think Emily Mariko is a tradwife, lol. A phrase that’s become popular on TikTok recently (ironically, I was blogging about this concept 5 years ago) and is about to fall prey to the TikTok-ification of language: where this word gets wildly misused and then used in a finger-pointing way online. We saw it happen with the phrase “nepo baby” (folks on TikTok used this to describe anyone with rich parents - not what the phrase means) or “buccal fat removal” (I remember TikTok users insisting Natalie Portman was the ‘latest victim’ of this despite the fact that she’s always had a structural face and is now in her 40s - yes, when you age, your face loses fat!) or the phrases “gaslighting” and “narcissist”.

I think (and from my blog post you know I’ve felt for the last 5 years) that the tradwife culture is sinister. I compare and contrast it to the cottagecore aesthetic in my blog post, but also highlight the white supremacy in the movement and the modern-day-feminism shaming that’s rampant throughout it.

Emily Mariko is a woman who worked at Meta, made cooking content online before she was engaged, doesn’t speak in her videos (aka is espousing exactly zero tradwife ideology), is the breadwinner in her household, and got pregnant in her 30s. She isn’t telling women to have children, to submit to their man (she never takes orders/requests from her husband in her videos, unlike some other female food content creators), waxing poetic about marriage and monogamy, etc. She’s just cooking, and over the last two years happened to have gotten married and is now pregnant for the first time.

Anyway, expressing these thoughts on TikTok led to a lot of comments of “Shannon I love you but….” and “I normally agree with your takes but you’re missing the point here…” and like I said before, respectful disagreement is fine (healthy!) but it’s the comments that are twinged with aspects of shaming and akin to parental scolding that always have me in a mindset where I’m…waking up at 5AM, clenching my teeth and stressed that I’ve “disappointed” someone (who is a complete stranger to me, and I do not know at all).

It’s also an odd thing to manage because there are so many benevolent people on the internet who bend over backwards to make me feel good, and every time I’m frustrated with one aspect of the internet, I also then chide myself for not focusing more on how sweet people are. When I couldn’t fall back asleep this morning, I went through my DMs on Instagram and saw messages from people who had ordered merch from me recently (!!!) and were showing me the items, and someone else who had written this incredibly nice message about how a part of my recent podcast really resonated with them, etc.

I’m also really struck by those moments (especially because before I became a podcaster, I was that person who would randomly send out messages of kindness in the DMs to creators whose content I enjoyed). It makes me incredibly happy, and I’m always floored and struck by the fact that so many people online understand me and go through the same experiences I do. From the profound and personal, to the experience I shared on Patreon last month about how I suck on tampons before putting them inside me so that way they aren’t as dry and go in easier. I had about a dozen girls comment that they do that too and thought they also were the only ones to do that. Camaraderie! In tampon sucking! This is what the internet was made for!

I guess I don’t know exactly how I feel, but it did feel good to get this out. (I’m always looking for solutions and actions of what to do when I’m up at 5AM biting my cheeks. Happy that spewing this out is making me feel less stressed).

I think one day I want to create some sort of internet forum to talk about things like this. A space for people on the internet who miss the old days of the internet, and being able to discuss things respectfully without emotionally manipulating people to bend to your exact ideology in everything in life (from religion and politics to the viewpoint of a girl who makes salmon bowls on TikTok). I’ve found some places online like that! The r/swiftlyneutral subreddit is amazing - a place on Reddit to talk about Taylor Swift without every critique of her being labeled as proof that you’re a misogynist haha. And I absolutely adore Africa Brooke - she encourages people to not self censor on the internet and in real life. And I love getting messages from people who say that me speaking my opinion online encourages them to also share their opinions - those messages might be the ones that make me feel the best.

I just always want to rage against the (internet) machine. I’ve had a habit for years that every time I see a shitty comment online, I make it a point to go and leave 3 nice comments to other people. Trying in small ways to stop the cycle of shit (because let’s be honest, none of us can really give the internet up, can we?)

And I also think about how this is my job, and just a part of the job (we all have parts of our job we don’t like). But I just feel really bad for people on TikTok who make an innocuous video sharing their opinion on something tame, it unexpectedly goes viral, and then they have to deal with all of the “girl you missed the point” and “seriously??” comments of that ilk. I hope it doesn’t put them off from sharing opinions (online and in person) in the future - but I’m sure it does! Shaming is such a powerful tool and it’s scary to see it thrown at everything and the kitchen sink lately.

So anyway, despite me biting my cheeks I’m going to leave my video up. And tonight I might even make the Emily Mariko salmon bowl. Because after watching her content for two years, I can personally attest that it has never made me want to:

get married
get off birth control
have children
dive into Christianity

But watching her content has made me want to:

cook more
try out new recipes she’s made (and really enjoyed them!)
look up local farmers markets near me
properly wash and store my vegetables
tidy up my apartment

I don’t think that she’s sinister. And in the same way that someone taking a photo of their sandal isn’t them making foot fetish content, I believe that Emily Mariko is not making tradwife content. There will always be people who perverse things on the internet, but the original intention of the content should shine above that.

Anyway…now that I’m up I’m just going to make coffee haha.

Musings on the internet again