How to effectively tell your best friend that her boyfriend isn't good for her

The most effective way to tell your best friend that you hate her boyfriend is this: don’t tell her.

I have had years of experience with this topic. I’ve dated people my friends hated, my friends have dated people I hated, and the one thing that’s been the same throughout all of these experiences is that any time you tell someone you hate their partner, it alienates you from them. And it brings your friend and her horrible partner even closer together.

You can try telling your friend gently or with brutal honesty but the result will always be the same.

Your friend will nod, be hurt on the inside, and then weeks will go by and you’ll realize they aren’t telling you about their boyfriend anymore. They’re just keeping it all hidden.

Either consciously or subconsciously, she’s decided that she can’t confide in you about this topic anymore, and it leads to her becoming even closer to this boyfriend of hers that you know, you just know is horrible for her.

But don’t think that this blog post doesn’t have any advice in it - it does. There is a subtle technique you can use to help your friend realize she’s dating a horrible person.

Let’s set the scene. Your friend is dating a sociopathic monster and all you want to do is sit her down, pull out a list of things her partner has done wrong, and make a lawyered case for why she should leave him.

But as my therapist always says: do you want to be right, or do you want to be effective?

If you complain about your friend’s boyfriend, or nag her about how annoying he is - you’ll be right and correct, but you won’t be effective in your goal of separating them.

Here’s the secret about people who are in bad relationships: they know it’s bad. They’re the first one to know all of the flaws about their partner.

You think Brad has 12 things wrong with him, but your friend knows that Brad actually has 20 things wrong with him, and she knows the intimate details about each flaw.

You telling them their boyfriend’s flaws won’t be a revelation for them! The problem is that they know what their flaws are and they’re still in love with this person despite their flaws.

So here’s what you do instead of telling your friend that her boyfriend is no good: you listen and collect data points for weeks, maybe even months.

When your bestie confesses that Brad did something shitty, nod sympathetically and bite your tongue. And keep a mental note of all these ‘bad’ things she’s telling you about Brad. Wait until you have a rolodex of these bad experiences.

Then, once you have your stack of experiences, you can start saying something very small.

When she’s upset about Brad yelling at her for dressing too provocatively, you then gently say, “I remember you said he did this last month too when you went out to that Italian dinner, right?”

When Brad posts a photo with his ex and that (rightfully) upsets your friend, you gently say, “I’m so sorry Katie. Didn’t you say that he also used to post stories of her when you first started dating?”

Don’t call Brad any names. Don’t say he’s being a douche. Just gently say you’re sorry, and then reference a time that Brad did something similar.

You’re not interjecting your opinion. You’re not telling her to do anything. You’re just reminding her of a time that this happened before.

“So you think he’s too controlling?” she might ask you.

“Oh, I don’t know,” you say. “You know him best. I just remember you felt this same way last week about it.”

And then let there be silence. The silence is what hangs in the air and lets your friend make up her mind about how she feels.

It’s a very effective technique to have someone reach their own conclusions, and that’s why therapists do it all the time.

So, to end this lengthy blog post, my advice is to do nothing but listen.

Collect data! Reference it so you can be a reminder to your friend of past wrongs she’s forgotten (because of that pesky thing called love). And bite your tongue and participate in the agonizing task of waiting for her to realize he sucks!

I wish you luck with your friend and her horrible, shitty partner! Just remember - say nothing, give comfort, and keep a mental list. You are not Team I-Hate-Boyfriend. You are Team I-Love-My-Friend.

Until the next one,
S