How to stop over-extending, and focus on yourself
I am a bleeding heart, sensitive, cut-myself-open-for-you type of person. I just always have been.
Last year I read an article at work about a girl who was on a shopping trip with her mom at the mall. They went to a food court, she ordered a wrap, and then went into the bathroom to try on a new dress she bought. The wrap was sealed with peanut butter - a new ingredient they didn’t tell her about - and while trying on her dress in the bathroom, with her mom outside at the food court, her throat closed up and she died.
When I read this, I sobbed violently at my desk (yes, it’s an open office floor plan) and immediately donated $100 to her GoFundMe. I couldn’t get over it for the rest of the day, the story has stayed with me even until this day.
And sometimes I wonder why my emotions do that. Sure, now I’ll be on the lookout for peanut butter in every wrap I eat, but biologically why is my body making me focus so much on other people and their sadness?
I think a lot of people are similar to me, in the sense that sometimes we care about other people’s well-being more than we care about our own.
I think about this a lot in terms of self-care. If my friend or partner has ever mentioned having a tough day before they come over to my apartment, I will prep. Make sure the apartment is cleaned before they comes and there’s a candle lit. I will have food ready and waiting, with ambient sounds playing in the background, and over dinner I will tell my funniest stories and best jokes. I will try to embody spa-like relaxation throughout the entire night, and just focus on de-stressing.
But if I have a bad day, I treat myself differently. I usually slump on the couch, order some take-out, and mindlessly scroll TikTok or watch TV for a couple hours.
It doesn’t make sense! If my friend or partner were upset I would never say “idk, eat some food and watch TV” so why do I give that shitty, low-grade prescription to myself when I wouldn’t give it to others?
People like me, who over-extend themselves for others and give themselves the bare minimum, can also fall into the trap of victim mentality or feeling like a martyr.
This creeps up in small ways in the back of your head. Well I did xyz for my friend during her move, so why isn’t she treating me the same during mine? Or maybe you splurged on a gift for someone and they didn’t do the same for you, and now you feel a bit weird about it. Or maybe you do what I do - which is insane hypothetical situations. If I were my co-worker, I would have handled the situation this way…but she didn’t, which means xyz.
Not everyone is an over-extender like we are.
They shouldn’t be.
It sounds tough to say to someone who is a bleeding heart, and cares so much about people - but the person who needs to change in this dynamic is you.
The change that people like us have to make, is that we need to focus deliberately on giving ourselves pleasure, joy, and happiness - to the point where it feels absurd and selfish.
And this takes some serious re-wiring. But think about it - when someone bumps into you, are you the one to say “sorry?” You shouldn’t be, but you probably are. Our idea of what’s “selfish” is entirely messed up - and I say this of sensitive people, but being a sensitive woman in a society just makes things 10x worse.
Not to get R-rated on here, but let’s just say that the feeling of “I feel bad because I had an orgasm and they didn’t” is a feeling that is distinctly, very feminine.
So, what are some steps to take to work on re-wiring your thoughts and habits so you can give yourself the same high-level treatment you give others?
Here are a few things that I’ve been doing lately and enjoying.
1. Make a list of 10 things you enjoy doing, and 10 things that make you feel good
This was something I heard about in a podcast from Laura Doyle (I’m dying to have her on my podcast) and it was incredible. Sit down with a piece of paper - yes, physical paper! - and make two lists. The first one, is a list of 10 things that make you feel happy when you do them. For me, this was listening to old Call Her Daddy episodes, dancing to music in my room, watching a movie at the theatre, talking to my best friend Bridget on the phone, etc.
Next, make a list of 10 things that make you feel good about yourself after you do them. Some of mine were watching a documentary, doing yoga, organizing my pantry.
Once you have a list of your 20 items (and they can be small, maybe you just really enjoy eating a nice crisp apple), make a point every day to do 3 things from the list.
It sounds crazy at first, and like “too much fun” or “undeserved” but it’s actually something great to focus on. You have a list of 20 things to pick from, and if you only have a bit of time in the day, maybe you just dance to your favorite song, wear your favorite top, and listen to a fun podcast on your way to work. But if you have a full day ahead of you, maybe you go window shopping on your favorite street, meet a friend for dinner, and go see a movie.
But the point is - each day you have three different moments where you actively focus on nothing but giving yourself pleasure and happiness. It’s a really foreign feeling at first, but the benefits are incredible, and we should be doing this! What’s a life without pleasure?
2. Anything you’re doing for him - do it for yourself, instead
I say this because, ladies, I know you. You know me. I am you, and you are me.
A lot of times we over-extend ourselves for men. Because damnit, we love them! They’re handsome, and smart, and strong, and they look especially great in a white button-down and when they surprise you with a planned date it is just the best feeling ever and anyway, you get my point. We go nuts for them, and over-extending happens.
This happens especially often in the beginning stages of love, the shaky moments of love, and the breakups of love.
When you are in these moments, you find yourself drawn to habits where you focus on the man and over-extend yourself, and my advice is to stop that action, and apply it to yourself instead. So let’s tackle this moment-of-love by one.
The beginning stages of love
When you want to look up his horoscope, stop it. Look up your own birth chart instead. Check out your North Node. Figure out what it means. Do that for 15 minutes and don’t even look at his chart.
When you want to stalk him on Instagram, stop it! Go to your own Instagram. Look at your own tagged pictures. View them from someone else’s eyes. Go back through your own Instagram grid and observe how you were in the year 2018.
When you want to look up his apartment on StreetEasy or his childhood home on Zillow (okay, we are all creepy and have done this right?) stop it! Pick a random city and browse for your own dream home in that city instead.
The shaky moments of love
When you want reassurance from him that you’re lovable, and he’s in love with you, stop it. Write down a list of 10 things you like about yourself.
When you’re unsure of if you will have a future together, stop it! Write down and think about what you want in your specific future. What countries do you want to travel to? What hobbies and sports do you want to learn? What goal have you always wanted to achieve that isn’t romance related?
When you don’t know if this relationship will work out, stop it. Think of your relationships that do work, and are strong. Call your sibling or friend from college and catch up. Focus on all of the incredible relationships that do exist in your life and bring you joy.
The breakups of love
You probably miss being touched by him. Get touched! Not in the “get under someone else” way, but in the true-to-sense way. Get a pedicure, manicure, a blowout, a massage, one of those places where you get your feet massaged for 10 minutes. Get touched. After every breakup, my feet, hair and nails always look incredible because I am getting touched that month after a breakup.
You might want to re-read old text messages with him. Stop it! Re-read your old notes app. Re-read text conversations with an old friend. Re-read that blog you wrote when you were 22 years old, and take a trip down that memory lane instead.
Hopefully all of these make sense - but for each and every action of over-extension you can put towards someone, try to put it all back into yourself.
3. Give yourself advice like you’re an impartial party
This is one of my favorite hacks to do. I am not an advice Queen. (Despite how I’m coming across in this post, I really, truly, am not an advice girly)
But I like to pretend to be, because it makes me feel good.
Did anyone else go on Yahoo Answers when they were like, 12, and give comfort and advice to women going through divorces and stuff? Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always loved giving out advice that I was unqualified to give. I don’t know why!
But this hack is great when you’re over-extending. Are you reading too much into an email from your boss? Are you freaking out because a guy isn’t texting you back? Write a fake Dear Abby from that perspective. Let’s give it a shot.
Dear Abby,
Paul isn’t texting me. We had a great date two days ago, but I haven’t heard from him. He could be busy, but typically he texts me once a day. I’m really worried that he isn’t interested in me anymore, and that I wasn’t exciting enough on the date for him to stick around.
Okay, there we go. Now typically, just the act of writing your question in a Dear Abby format makes you feel like an idiot, and already you feel 40% less anxious because your “problem” seems so trivial in Dear Abby format.
But then, you take it a next step further, and you answer like you are Abby.
Dear Didn’t Get Texted,
There’s either two things happening. Either, he’s going to text you soon and want to see you again, and you’ll be happy. You’re freaking out over nothing. So save your body the cortisol spike, go for a walk, and then make your favorite dinner and watch a movie tonight and relax because you know you have a great outcome ahead.
Or, he’s ghosting you. In which case, the universe just had you dodge a bullet because if he didn’t like you on a date, imagine a relationship with a guy who doesn’t like you! Miserable, not worth it, I’ve done it before, it kills your confidence. Just pretend he’s dead and go out on a new date with someone else.
Okay - that was a very half-ass version of Abby, but you get the point. By playing both patient and doctor, you get to be the one responsible for pulling you out of the funk. When you look at your situation and pretend it’s someone else’s - you’re typically able to see it all a bit more clearly.
So, this is just the beginning! I wanted to get a blog post out today and I will have more to add to this later, maybe a Part 2, but these three actions to take are a great step at working on re-wiring your brain.
I’m not advocating for being a dick. I’m not advocating for treating people like shit. But I’m advocating for a bit of re-wiring so that we, at the very least, are treating ourself with the same love, care, and thoughtfulness that we give to other people.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been over-extending for probably your entire life. And using these three steps for the next month or so are a great place to start.
So, let me know if you consider yourself an over-extender. Have you tried any of these tips before? Do you have a tip that works for you that you want to share? Leave it in the comments below!
Until the next one,
S