6 types of birth control that won't cause blood clotting in females

The day after I got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, it was stopped from being administered because women were dying from blood clots that the vaccine gave them. Awesome, right? I just sat there at home with the band-aid on like this:

But then some folks did some statistical digging and found this: only .00008% of women with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine suffered blood clots. Only 6 of them.

Compared to the risk of clotting from birth control, the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is nothing.

.3% - 1% of women who take hormonal birth control are at risk for blood clots. Which is 374900% more likely than the rate of women clotting from the vaccine.

That being said, why clot at all? It doesn’t sound particularly fun. So here are 7 types of birth control that you can take that have zero percent chance of you forming blood clots.

1. Watching this video of Matthew Morrison from Glee dancing

Watch this video of the teacher from Glee dancing, and trust me, your desire to have sex will be completely flattened. This is the best birth control you could hope for, and despite the nausea it may cause you when you watch it…you can be assured that you certainly won’t experience any clotting from the YouTube video!

2. Go online shopping for fedoras

Fedora’s are great birth control. You see one, you don’t want to have sex. You think about wearing one, you don’t want to have sex. And if you so much as browse them online, you will feel the same emotions as well.

Skip the pill, and instead head over to any website that sells hats and scroll for a bit. Your birth control will begin to take effect immediately.

3. Look at the photo of how busted I looked after my nose job

Years ago I wrote about how busted and swollen I looked after my nose job and that post went fucking viral and now when you Google my name you see my face with a fat nose after my surgery. I find it kind of funny. And I pray that no prospective suitors ever Google me and see the photo.

At any rate, head over to the blog post and view it if you need birth control fast!

4. Binge some Ben Shapiro Youtube videos

There’s nothing that gets my p-word drier than Ben Shapiro saying that it’s wet. I am tickled pink by Ben Shapiro, and I have no idea why. But I just find him so funny. He just sits there, so mad about music videos, and he talks so fast, like the elevator doors are closing and he has to get his sentence out before they do.

He also kills my sexual desire immediately. Both the sound of him, and the sight. So binge some of his videos (or listen to The Daily Wire) if you want to be sure that you can have sex without getting pregnant (oh, and without blood clots, too).

5. Listen to the Canadian sounds of Jordan Peterson telling you that you need to clean your room

Nobody likes being reminded to clean their room. And nobody likes it when a Canadian talks to you. Combine both of these horrible things by listening to Jordan Peterson’s audio book called 12 Rules for Life.

6. Ask your manager for performance review feedback

Literally everyone leaves performance review meetings feeling a total sack of shit. Or at least…I think everyone does, right? Perhaps I’m just bad at my job?

At any rate, your sexual urges after a performance review are annihilated. You don’t feel good about yourself. You don’t feel good about your work. Somehow, you don’t even feel good about your body. Channel this. Use performance reviews as birth control.

Instead of taking a pill daily, just ask your manager for feedback monthly, and the results will be the same.

There we go! You are welcome for all of that birth control advice! Please use it, there’s really no need to get a second opinion, you can trust the medical advice in here.

I hope everyone gets out there and smashes freely, knowing that they will be a) protected from pregnancy and b) safe from blood clots if they use any of these 6 birth control methods.

Until the next one,
S