7 ways to stop crushing on someone
So you’re starting to catch feelings for someone, huh?
My condolences. The act (or is it the art) of crushing on someone is a harrowing experience. You turn into someone who smiles at their phone when they see a text notification. You find yourself thinking at the end of a long day hmm, I hope my crush had a good day today! And through the fog of hazy feelings, there’s the underlying truth that you’re either about to fall even deeper into this, or you’re going to wind up with your feelings hurt.
So without any further ado, let me tell you about 7 methods to help stop you from crushing on someone. They aren’t all healthy - but they’re effective. They’ll get you to a place where you won’t be kicking your feet like a kid on Christmas, giddy with butterflies in your stomach.
Kill those butterflies!
1. What’s your ex been up to?
A surefire way to stop thinking about your new crush is to check up on your ex. After all, since this new person came into your life, you haven’t been stalking them online or coming home drunk and swiping through old photos of you together on your phone.
Honey, it’s time to dive into the deep end. While this might not be the healthiest way to distract yourself, it is the most effective, so try this technique if you’re truly desperate.
Once you check up on your ex online, or look at old photos, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re stuck on them again. Stalking them online will become a mental habit, and since your brain can only power so many thoughts, the time you spend on your ex will take away from time you would have spent crushing.
2. Ask to see their Airpods case
This is a great, surefire way to lose feelings for someone in under 20 seconds.
Ask to see your crush’s AirPods case, and when they open the lid and you see the yellow, sticky earwax inside, you’ll start to notice that suddenly you have the urge to be just friends with them.
Earwax. We all have it. We all like to pretend we don’t. Use this to your advantage!!!
3. Catch “the ick”
Have you heard of “the ick”? Another name for this feeling is Sudden Repulsion Syndrome. When you suddenly and inexplicably lose complete interest in someone over something insanely benign.
There are videos on TikTok where girls give suggestions on how to get “the ick” from someone, so I’ll share some of them below.
Just download TikTok, search for these “ick” videos, and once you read enough comments and envision your object of affection in those scenarios, you’ll easily be able to forget about them.
4. Obsess over yourself
This is my favorite recommendation of the bunch. I’m not suggesting self-love, I’m suggesting self-obsession.
Look through your own Instagram page. Stop looking up what his horoscope means and instead buy a natal chart reading for yourself. Think about masturbating but then don’t even do it because you want to make you wait a little bit longer before you do something like that.
Damnit, you’re hot when you play hard to get.
(And then masturbate anyway, but don’t you dare think of your crush when you do it! Think only of yourself! Make Narcissus proud!)
5. Get addicted to World of Warcraft
My brother had a roommate who got addicted to World of Warcraft and the lore around that story is still one of my favorite family tales to tell to this day. I would share it now, but it’s too great of a story to throw into a listicle.
But long story short - this game will take over your life. You will do everything in your power to play it. And you may or may not become a pathological liar, fake a drive-by shooting, and get kicked out of university. (Okay, I gave some of the story away).
But point being - did you think about your crush at all as you read that paragraph? If the description of the game can take your attention away so well, just imagine how intense the actual game is. And now…download it.
6. Take an online quiz about what mental illness or sickness you have
You know what trumps “crushing” in a sick game of rock, paper, scissors shoot? Sickness, illness, or tragedy.
Now look, it’s hard to crush on someone when you’re spiraling at home in front of WebMD and convincing yourself that you’re about to die, or you have parasites in your poop, or anything like that (for the record, I’ve done them all)
Pick something benign that’s been on your mind - maybe a stomach issue or a bit of a stuffy nose - and then go down the Reddit + Web MD internet rabbit hole until you’re panicking over the idea that you might have an ulcer…but hey! At least you’re not thinking about your crush anymore, huh?
7. Go to Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, or Costco at peak hours on a Sunday
When you go to any of these spots on a Sunday at noon…you will only think about survival.
If you can’t get Josh out of your mind, go to Whole Foods at 12pm. If you can’t stop thinking about Grace, try visiting Costco at rush hour. You’ll forget about them immediately, and instead focus on a) getting out of there alive and b) how much you hate the person in front of you, and your crush will be the last thing you think of.
There is, of course, the option of continuing to crush on your crush. You could even do something not on this list - and maybe tell them honestly how you feel about them??
Or you could get addicted to World of Warcraft. We are Americans, baby, and the freedom is yours to fail in this life however you want to fail!
I guarantee that if you text your ex and ask him to play World of Warcraft with you, and then you guys both google your symptoms on WebMD and then hit Trader Joes together at 6pm, you will 100% not be consumed with thoughts of your current ex.
So, please give all of these normal and sane suggestions a try, and let me know in the comments below how it turns out for you!
Until the next one,
S