6 benefits of not having any sex
My friend recently had really good sex.
I was two hours deep into The Sims gameplay one night when she FaceTimed me to tell me about it. It was incredibly detailed and very hot. The actions were right. The words and phrases were right. And best of all, it seemed like it would be happening again.
I had my retainer in at that point, and I lisped a “that thsounds really hot and I’m thso happy for you!” and she asked me what my updates were and I told her that I had exactly none.
February - April is the time of year where you are either with someone, or you aren’t, and lately for me it has been, to be frank, incredibly dry over here. I’ve deleted all my dating apps and I’ve clocked more hours on The Sims this month than I care to admit online.
But, in an effort to remain positive and put a bright spin on even the meh chapters of life, I am copying from a blog post I did last year (8 reasons why you should be happy that you're single, damnit!) and putting together a similar listicle for the folks out there who, like me, are abstinent as hell right now and need to find reasons for why that’s okay.
Your canker-sores and ingrown hairs are nothing to worry about
Yes, I’m getting raw right off the bat! When you’re having sex with someone, you view your body differently. Every canker sore or cold sore you get sends an initial wave of panic through your body as you think did I get this from someone and you furiously pour through Reddit posts and heinous Google images to see if your mouth sore is a simple mouth sore, or something you might need to take a pill for.
The same goes for ingrown hairs. When you’re having sex, you’re convinced it’s herpes. When you’re not having sex, you pull your pants up and go on with your day in blissful peace.
2. You’ve got 20 more minutes of free time every day
And I know what you’re thinking - time free because you’re not having sex?
No. This is the amount of time it takes to shave your legs, armpits, and then moisturize them afterwards.
Sure, you can be hairy when you’re having sex. And you can shave your body just for you. But can we be honest here? Can we? I only shave if someone is going to see a body part. Even if it’s just someone seeing my shin, I will only shave my shin if someone will be seeing my shin. If it’s the dead of winter and I’m not being intimate with anyone, you better believe I’m rocking something grizzly.
3. You’re getting much better R.E.M. style of sleep
I once dated a guy who was super into his Apple Watch. He actually had an Apple Watch and something else, it was like a Woop or something? Anyway, this thing tracked many things about his life, one including his sleep. And this boyfriend of mine would tell me in the morning how many hours of deep sleep he got when I slept over, and then show me on his phone how he got less deep sleep hours when I was over because I was sleeping in the bed next to him.
This is honestly kind of an insane thing to say to someone, because when they sleep next to you they are unconscious and cannot control how they are sleeping. So needless to say, I would always feel very insecure and guilty when I slept over at his place.
But those issues aside, he was in fact correct! It’s scientifically proven that you sleep better when you sleep alone - or with someone that you truly love (oxytocin is a beautiful thing).
But if you’re just casually dating someone, or you haven’t hit the 3 month “I love you” mark yet with them? You are having great sex, but trash sleep, I hate to be the one to break it to you!
So my fellow sexless losers, we may be untouched, but we are having great sleep!
4. Sadness versus anxiety
If given a choice between the feelings of sadness and anxiety, I am going to take sadness very time. Sadness is still water, anxiety is a tsunami. Sadness is Lana del Rey, anxiety is a mosh pit at a concert. Sadness is tears in a gown, and anxiety is getting diarrhea right before a big work meeting. I prefer sadness every time.
And when you are in a bad relationship, or your relationship is about to end, or you’re unsure of where you stand with someone…you feel anxiety. You feel stuck. You are waiting for them to text you back. You are analyzing the text that they did finally send back. You are on internet forums looking for people with experiences similar to your own, and calling every friend in your contacts for advice on your situation. You are stressed, girl, and it doesn’t feel good.
When you’re alone, and past the “this hurts” phase of a breakup, you can feel lonely some nights. You can wish that you had someone next to you to binge the movie you’re watching. You can see a cute kid and their parents on the playground and longingly wonder if that life will ever be yours.
It’s sadness, but there is no anxiety. There may be no sex in my life right now, but there is also no worry. I am not re-reading text messages. I am not waiting for someone to call me. I am not wondering how I am being perceived by someone else. And that feeling is great.
5. God, or the universe, or whatever, is going to root for the underdog
I participate in the Imaginary Audience magical thinking that I think a lot of us do!
Sometimes, I like to imagine my life as a TV show, and maybe I control it, maybe G-O-D does, maybe it’s the universe, maybe it’s my virtual overlords who - just like me - like to play The Sims and are controlling me in a simulation…who the hell knows.
But I do believe in the undulation of life. What goes up, must come down. Every setback I’ve had in life has, eventually, led to a setup that made me look back and go damn, I’m glad that happened.
And believing in the undulation of life is a great concept to believe in, because when things are lacking, you know that they will soon be filled. It also leads to a bit of panic because when things in your life are good, you nervously convince yourself that soon there will be a downfall. But that’s a worry for another time!
The point is, your simulation overlords or TV show watchers are going to be bored of you having absolutely nothing romantic in your life, and they won’t let it go on for that many more episodes. Your season arc of this nonsense will soon be over, so rest easy in the logic of the undulation.
6. You can pretend to be virtuous and be abstinent for a greater cause
Similar to how Dax Shepard didn’t want to get married until gay marriage was legal - turn your unwanted situation into a way to virtue signal! Tell people that you’re not in a ghost town of desire…it’s just that you’re participating in abstinence until Taylor Swift releases Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) or something like that.
And then when Taylor releases Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) next week, it’s either your sign to get laid, or you just have to pick a bigger, worthier cause. Global hunger? World peace?
So, there you have it! 6 fantastic reasons for why you’re not having sex. Next I should do a post on 6 fantastic reasons why you keep playing The Sims at night and making your Sims have sex, but I think that should be an email to a professional rather than a blog post for the world to see. Who knows!
Until the next one,
S