7 things to do online instead of cyber stalking your ex
It is never a good idea to stalk your ex online, and I’ll tell you why: You’re either going to see a picture of a sunset or some meal-prepped food…or you’re going to see them with a new partner and find yourself fully on the verge.
Those are the only two options. Looking at an ex’s profile either leads you going “that was boring as rocks” or “I need to check myself in for psychiatric help immediately”.
There is no other option! Unless your ex ran a meme account, you will always leave their page either bored or upset.
So when you feel the urge to cyberstalk your ex, here are 9 things to do online instead that won’t hurt your feelings.
1. Buy Bitcoin (seriously)
Buying Bitcoin has made me feel more alive than any man has! My boyfriend is wonderful, but he’s a stable human male whereas Bitcoin is a riveting adventure of highs and lows and - most importantly - ego-stroking. Did I mention that I own Bitcoin? I mean…god it feels good just typing it.
So set up an account on Coinbase and buy Bitcoin. You can literally buy $2 of it if you want - despite the big names that talk about cryptocurrency, you don’t need to be a millionaire to get in the game. And then instead of stalking your ex, log into Coinbase, see how Bitcoin is doing, and drift away into fantasies of your potential billionaire life.
2. Look for unique search terms on Zillow and Streeteasy
I absolutely love browsing real estate online that I can’t afford. (Although after Bitcoin takes off maybe I’ll afford these places? #manifest).
One of my favorite things to do is an advanced search on Zillow and Streeteasy where I put niche features in the search bar like “stained glass” or “spiral staircase”. Then I try to find the most unique property online, crown myself a queen of real estate, and snarkily look down upon The Property Brothers. Isn’t this much better than looking at Brad’s Instagram profile and hurting your feelings?
3. Google D-list celebrities and direct message them on Instagram
Why are you stressing about Kevin or Daniel when you could be rubbing elbows with people who were famous in 2001?! Head to Google and search for celebrities that peaked. Look up people who were one-hit wonders. And then click over to their Instagram page and throw your hat in the ring.
Ryan Cabrera? That guy who played Jackson on Hannah Montana? Dane Cook?? Shoot them a message and see what happens.
4. Subscribe to the FluentlyForward newsletter
I would be remiss if I didn’t plug myself here…this blog is a great place to hang out if you’re looking for a distraction from your ex. First of all - there are literally hundreds of articles. And secondly, there is in fact a newsletter (sent every Wednesday morning to your inbox) so…why not subscribe?
5. Browse the most unique sub-reddits that Reddit has to offer
I know Reddit seems like a place where nerds get to bully folks anonymously, but I promise that there is so much to offer on that website. Sure, most of the sub-reddits are filled with vengeful nerds, but there are a lot of subreddits that have me crying with laughter as I scroll through them. My personal favorite? The KidsAreFuckingStupid subreddit. It details just…the stupidest things that kids do, and I always get a good laugh from it.
6. Dive deep into your astrological birth chart
Whenever I get the urge to cyber-stalk someone (and I mean anyone, from an old friend I don’t like, to an ex, to someone my boyfriend dated in elementary school) I take a deep breath and then decide to double down on stalking myself, instead.
This might breed narcissism, but at least it doesn’t let me cyber-stalk.
So get a bit self-indulgent and do a deep dive into your birth chart online. And if you’re too lazy to calculate your own birth chart, you can pay someone to do it for you. I paid someone on Twitter to do mine, and since everyone is all #SmallBusiness these days, I suggest giving the good folk of Twitter and Fiverr a chance to do your birth chart!
7. Find out what’s truly going on with your ex through a free tarot card reading
Stalking your ex’s social media profiles is some 101 level stuff. But gaining the legit knowledge about what’s happening in their life through a legit tarot card reading?? That’s big brain thinking.
There are about a hundred YouTube channels that do free “pick a card” readings and give you answers on questions you have in life. Just head to YouTube and type something like “pick a card what is my ex up to tarot” into the search bar and then have fun with the results.
And by have fun, I mean “hurt your feelings” because you probably won’t get the answer you want to hear. So heed #7 with some warning.
And look, if worst comes to worst and you do end up stalking your ex and then hurting your feelings with what you see, don’t beat yourself up over it. Just remember that social media is not real life. Couples will post photos wearing matching pajama sets just to file for divorce the next month! Instagram always just shows a version of someone’s life that they want you to see, not what it actually is.
There’s the truth, what people post online, and what you perceive from what they post, and all three of those things are very different. So keep in mind that you’re only seeing “what you perceive” when you go to someone’s social media page.
Okay, that got very existential! To sum things up, I hope this post helped you to forgo stalking your ex online, and I also hope…that you potentially subscribed to the newsletter. A girl can dream!
Until the next one,
S