8 reasons why you should be happy that you're single, damnit!
1. You can poop literally whenever because no one will hear you
When you are single, and you wake up alone, you have the incredible opportunity to wreck your bathroom in whatever capacity you choose. It’s just between you and god in there. But when you wake up with someone handsome in your bed, and they’re a few feet away from your bathroom door, and it’s suddenly as quiet as a Presbyterian church, you only have one option and that is peeing quietly.
I have rushed this man out of my apartment before with excuses about early work meetings or workout classes I have to get to - solely so I could poop. And each time that happens, I remember the good old days when I was lonely…but at least I could poop at will and at random.
2. There’s no stress of meeting friends or parents for the first time
Let me just say that my boyfriend has an incredible friend group, a fantastic brother - and from what I’ve heard about his parents, they are top notch.
But every girl knows the unique pain of what it feels like the day you meet your boyfriend’s friends or family for the first time. You are a ball of nerves. You change outfits about four times. You somehow end up on a WikiHow article about how to act in front of new people. You have a sip of wine. It turns into a glass. You consider breaking up with your partner solely to get out of this social commitment because you’re so fucking nervous that you would rather just call things off and be lonely until you die!!!
Eventually you go, and have an incredible time - but I have to say, right before I’m about to meet a boyfriend’s friends or family I think with flaming envy about the single people out there and how they don’t have to do this right now.
3. You’re not having dreams that hurt your feelings
When you’re single, nightmares usually consist of having your teeth fall out, or missing a big presentation at work. But anyone who has been in a relationship before knows what it’s like when you dream that your partner cheated on you, or said that they don’t like you, or anything else like that. You wake up with this pit in the feeling of your stomach and you end up delusionally convincing yourself that this was not a nightmare - it was a woman’s intuition - and before you know it your thoughts are racing away at 60mph into Unhinged Territory.
When you are single, you sleep peacefully at night. There aren’t any dreams of being cheated on because you can’t be cheated on.
4. You don’t get mad at Buzzfeed quiz results
I love to take Buzzfeed quizzes on my phone. I’ll throw on a junk food TV show like Desperate Housewives, eat some takeout sushi on my couch, and take Buzzfeed quizzes with titles like “tell us your favorite types of cupcakes and we’ll tell you your soulmate’s zodiac!”
And after I select answers about how much I like chocolate and red velvet cupcakes, the quiz will tell me my soulmate’s zodiac is Capricorn. But my boyfriend’s zodiac is Aries. This leads to me re-taking the quiz to try and get an Aries answer. And after a few minutes of this, this leads to me stepping back, examining my actions, and feeling deeply ashamed that I’m doing something so pathetic with my life.
When you’re single, every answer on a Buzzfeed quiz makes you happy. Your soulmate is Capricorn? Fantastic! Timothee Chalamet is Capricorn and now you can drift into a daydream about dating him because a Buzzfeed cupcake quiz told you to do so!
5. You can shave on your own time
Technically, anyone can shave on their own time. But when you are consistently seeing someone, you like to be consistently smooth, and you find yourself basically having to shave your legs with every shower you take. This stops about 8 months in, once you have successfully made someone co-dependent on you (isn’t that the goal of every relationship?), but in the meantime, you have to try your hardest to be smooth.
If you are single, you only shave when you’re going out. You don’t shave in the winter. You shave when you feel like it. It is a luxury that I miss.
6. You can look as ugly as you want when you go to the bodega
When I first started dating my boyfriend, I was excited that he lived a few blocks away from me. Until one night, in my pajamas, with acne cream on my face and a rain coat on, I decided to pop down to the bodega and grab some chips.
Then I realized that I like a guy who lives just a few blocks away and I suddenly felt like I was in the game Frogger.
I did end up going to the bodega, but I had to sneak to the bodega and the whole time I thought this wouldn’t be happening if I had just done the right thing and never met this person.
If you are single, take full advantage of your relationship status and go to the bodega in sweatpants. Walk down the street with your crocs on. Enjoy it.
7. You get to bond in such an incredible way with your other single girlfriends right now
I have had the best times of my life being single with my girlfriends. I’m not actually joking with this one - I’m being sincere for once!
When my friend Clara and I were single this past summer, we had the best time with it. We would go out to happy hour and swap phones with each other and message guys on Hinge pretending to be the other person. We would go out on first dates and then meet up the next morning for a jog and to dish on how our date went. We would get our nails done and go get blowouts and then lounge by a pool to take photos of each other for Instagram. Ugh, honestly talking about it right now makes me miss it.
You can do all of these things when you’re in a relationship, sure, but it just doesn’t hit as right and feel as good. There’s something magical about being in sync with a person and when you and a close girlfriend are single at the same time, it’s like the bonding in your relationship is amplified by 10x.
8. You get to be the star of every brunch conversation
When I was dating, there was nothing more I loved than showing up to a group brunch and regaling the participants with funny anecdotes from dates I had been on. I was like a narcissistic version of Mrs. Maisel when she performs stand-up during house parties.
When you date someone seriously, you don’t really share intimate details and stories about them because it just…I don’t know, it feels weird telling other people your personal and private moments.
But when you’re single, your private moments become public epics and sagas and you really get to make the most of it. I remember being secretly delighted when I would have bad first dates, because I knew the bad Thursday evening I had with Kevin would make for an incredible Saturday morning with the girls when I filled them in on what happened.
There are, of course, more than 8 reasons why you should be happy in the right relationship, but as one of my favorite mantras says, “you can have it all, but not all at the same time”
So if you just finished watching a RomCom and you’re pissed that there’s no one special in your life right now because damnit you’re Kate Hudson and you should be with Matthew McCounaghey - just look at these 8 reasons above.
Isn’t wrecking your toilet wonderful? Isn’t it nice to strut around the city with acne cream on your face and not care who sees you? Isn’t it uniquely special to bond with your girlfriends over first dates and first kisses?
The right relationship will come to you at the right time, but in the meantime…enjoy wrecking that toilet, my friend. Enjoy it.
Until the next one,
S