If there’s anything good that’s come out of this pandemic, it’s the ability to creep into people’s homes through a Zoom-sized square on your computer.

With all the labels of sexuality and gender being thrown around today, I want to stand up and say there is a label I 100% identify with and that label is: a creep.

I love peeking into people’s homes, and I love seeing how bougie their taste is. I can tell I’m getting older lately because I’m lustful over things that can be bought at Williams-Sonoma.

However, once this pandemic ends, we will be able to do more than flex our houses virtually through Zoom calls. We will be able to show off our household goods in person, and to help give you a head-start in revving the engines of jealousy, I would like to present you with 5 household items that you should buy if you want to aggressively flex on guests you invited over.

1. A Peloton bike

If I ever got a Peloton bike, I would stick it in my entry way. The minute you opened the door to come into my apartment, you would have to climb over the Peloton to get inside. That’s how much I would want people to know that I have a Peloton.

Pelotons are the triple threat of bougie household items - it proves that you’re rich, fit, and also part of a community. Nay, tribe. The Peloton tribe. Somehow all people who do Peloton find each other in life and can sustain hour long conversations about who their favorite instructors are, and why, and things like that. It’s the number one item on this list for a reason!

2. The Dyson airwrap

I’ve written about this before in my blog post 7 products and techniques to make thick, curly hair manageable, and the main thing you need to know about this handy dandy haircare tool is that it is $500 dollars. Yes, it’s essentially a hair dryer with a three figure price tag.

To make sure you get the most out of this flex, leave it out in the bathroom. Under no circumstances are you to put this away underneath the sink or in an organized closet when you are done using it. Before guests come over, make sure you flush your toilet, fluff your towels, and stick this bad boy in the sink on full display. Flex away!

3. The Snoo (even if you don’t have a baby)

The Snoo is a technological bassinet (for real) that uses technology to rock your baby to sleep and make cooing white noise sounds when the baby starts to wake up. It is so cool that it makes me want to age backwards so I can try it out for myself. It’s also around $2k, so it’s for bougie babies only!

Make sure you get one of these immediately - even if you don’t have a baby. Even if you aren’t even trying! Just make sure you buy one of these so you can say you have one of these, and make all of your baby-having friends muy jealous.

4. A sub-zero refrigerator

Tell me that a sub-zero refrigerator isn’t the bougiest thing you’ve ever seen in your life. This is the only appliance I have ever found sexy, but find it sexy I certainly do.

And this sexy appliance can be yours all for the price of about $15,000! What are you waiting for, huh?

This is a particularly great way to flex on your friends because it is the most subtle of all the options. To get the most flexing out of this item, make sure you are a good host to all who come in. By that, I mean offering them water immediately. And then offering them a sparkling beverage. And then perhaps some crudite? If it can come from your sub-zero fridge, make sure that you offer it.

5. Those kitchen drawers that automatically slow down and shut themselves when you slam them shut

I (clearly) don’t know what these are called, but I hope the description gives them away.

I can tell when I’m in a bougie abode by the drawer quality in the kitchen. Do your drawers slam shut when you ferociously close them? Or are they rich drawers that shut fast, and then slow down before closing so they don’t make a loud sound?

I am trying desperately to Google and find a gif that explains this concept because I am doing a trash job of labeling it.

SOFT CLOSE CABINET! That is the name! And as promised, here is the beautiful (and bougie) gif.

So as the world starts to open up, please think about the important things post-pandemic. Not the trivial stuff like “have I gotten a vaccine” but the important questions like “how can I make people jealous in person now?”

Also if you have any of these bougie items in your own apartment, please let me know! I would love to come over and lavish you with compliments on how great your taste is.

Until the next one,
S

5 household items you should buy if you want to aggressively flex on guests