5 shoe commercials that a Republican would classify as porn
I recently wrote about erotic perfume commercials (because that’s the type of blog this is, I guess) and today I want to talk about an adjacent topic: glamorous (and way too sexy) shoe commercials.
Next week I’ll probably be writing about sensual jewelry commercials (and the week after, God will reach out to me through a dream and tell me to write more G-rated posts) but right now we are in this week and this week says show me some sexy shoe commercials!
So allow me to present 5 shoe commercials that would trigger Ben Shapiro more than Cardi B’s WAP music video.
1. Shimmer in the Dark: Jimmy Choo CR18 Featuring Cara Delevingne
I’ve written before about the massive crush I have on Cara Delevingne. She’s hot. She’s gay. She participated in a threesome with Amber Heard and Elon Musk. (If you don’t know the story behind that, may I suggest reading the below blog post?)
Cara puts her coolness on display in this commercial where she struts around a vague city at night in a mini dress that barely covers her body and of course…some killer shoes. To be honest though, the commercial is a blow for Jimmy Choo because I didn’t think of their shoes once during this commercial but I tried to catch a potential Delevingne nip slip upwards of 10 times.
2. Christian Louboutin: The Most Beautiful Red
I’m someone who makes a living wage and also has bunions, so I don’t know much about Louboutin shoes. But I do know that they have red soles and are very expensive.
This confusingly erotic commercial shows those shoes off in a very camp way. It’s a goofy video that takes you on a roller coaster of arousal and bewilderment. Does it make me want to buy the shoes? No! But it does make me want to look up the models on Instagram after the video is done.
3. Jimmy Choo Autumn Winter
I’m fully convinced that this video is just the intro to a soft-core pornography film and they threw a few close-ups of shoes in there to give it legitimacy as an ad. This video features three models in bed, giggling around each other, and playing together in a closet. (By the way - give them a night with Cara Delevingne and in that closet they will be no longer)
This video is tantalizing and playful and - most importantly - has absolutely nothing to do with shoes.
4. Introducing Net a Porter x Jimmy Choo
This video is about shoes. And oddly - despite the focus on the shoes - I find it the most erotic of the bunch. What is it about stockings that are so tantalizing?
I love this video, I love the ad focus on the shoes, and I 100% believe that if a Republican parent saw their child watching this on the family computer, parental controls would be up and running the very next morning. It’s strikingly erotic.
5. Christian Louboutin: Santiag & Ascot
You’ve got to be a real basket case out there to find this video sexy. That being said, it made me feel a type of way.
The entire video is shots of shoes and boots on models as they…sit on horses. They don’t even ride the horse. They just, lay on the horse and show off their shoe.
Mark my word, Republicans will use this video one day as evidence against the LGBTQ community. Their argument of, “it starts with the same gender marrying each other, what’s next, marrying your horse?” actually has some solid ground to stand on after this video. Because it’s a bunch of gorgeous women being weirdly erotic with a horse. Checkmate, liberals?
So please, please for the love of god let me know what your favorite sexy shoe commercial is. This is my very important ask of you! And society! This blog post is incredibly essential to society.
Also, let’s send some of these shoe commercials to Ben Shapiro. If he reacted to these on one of his Daily Wire streams I could honestly say that I would die happy.
Until the next one,
S