How to eye-fuck yourself for an entire Zoom meeting but seem like you’re paying attention
Since March, nearly all of us have been working from home as the COVID-19 pandemic rages on, and let me tell you something, it is hard.
Our chairs at home aren’t nearly as supportive as the expensive desk chairs in the office. There is no free coffee. You don’t get to mingle with the co-workers you love throughout the day. But it’s not all bad, because you can eye-fuck yourself for the entirety of every meeting you attend.
Ever since people got the hang of Zoom, and realized that you can turn on a feature where the camera blurs your skin, we haven’t been able to take our eyes off of ourselves. Is it just the fact that I’m living alone and I haven’t seen another person in 36 hours, or am I getting cuter???
It’s perfectly normal to spend an entire Zoom meeting eye-fucking yourself, and I want to provide you with some tips on how you can do this subtly.
Most of your co-workers are probably spending the entire Zoom meeting eye-fucking themselves as well, but in the small chance that they’re actually engaged and looking for you to be engaged as well - here’s how you can fake active participation while still obsessing over yourself.
Move your video square as close to your laptop camera as possible
You might not realize this, but it’s pretty obvious to tell when someone is looking at one area of their screen in particular. Your co-workers can get suspicious if your eyes are glued to the bottom-right corner of the screen for an hour, so try moving your video square as close to your webcam as possible.
This will make it look like you’re making eye contact with each person, when in reality, you’re busy eye-boning your face. Good for you!
Use a dual monitor
If you’re facing 90 degrees from your camera entirely, no one can tell what part of your screen you’re looking at! Just offer a brief “sorry guys, using my dual monitor” at the beginning of the meeting, so your co-workers know that you are looking at the Zoom meeting, and not some photo on your wall.
Now you have free reign to fully eye-doink yourself while looking at your dual monitor. The only downside is that you have to eye-canoodle your profile instead of your face straight on...so make sure you set this up with your good side in mind, okay?
Wear sunglasses
I know it’s weird to wear sunglasses during a Zoom meeting, but just double down on the whole “blue light blocking glasses” trend.
Say that you’ve been working so hard past the hours of 9-5 that you need something even stronger than blue light glasses to protect your eyes. You need to be wearing sunglasses. It will super impress your co-workers that you’re sacrificing the use of your ocular abilities for the company!
Also, with sunglasses on, you can now fully eye-pillage yourself for the rest of the meeting. Bonus: you look super cool in those sunglasses, so the eye-fucking will be incredible.
I hope that these super legitimate tips help you the next time you want to eye-fuck yourself on camera. The only thing I can’t prepare you for is when a co-worker asks you a question and you don’t know the answer because you were busy staring into your own eyes for the past 40 minutes.
My only suggestion would be to pull a Hail Mary, and say that you can’t answer because you just contracted COVID-19. Let me know in the comments if you try that method out, I would love to hear the success rate!
Until the next one,
S