Who was the better wingman, Lumière the candlestick, or Sebastian the crab?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Disney movies, it’s how to help people get laid. Am I watching these movies the right way??
Disney created two of the most iconic wingmen of all time with Lumiere the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast and Sebastian the crab from The Little Mermaid.
I was watching these movies the other day with a notepad out, writing down tips for how I can improve my wingman game, when I realized that Lumiere and Sebastian have very different techniques, and styles of how they convince people to fall in love, kiss, or stay in a haunted castle forever. Time to analyze their work.
I broke down Lumiere and Sebastian’s wingman techniques into the below categories so we can rank them and decide…
Who is the ultimate Disney wingman?
First Category: Slight of hand
The mark of a truly good wingman is their subtlety. You don’t ever want a wingman to be blatant with what they’re trying to make happen. It’s crucial that all seduction goes under the surface, and for this category we have to take a look at the musical numbers these wingmen used.
Lumiere whipped out Be Our Guest to Belle, and while it was a beautiful song (and came with french food, so a nice touch there) it was also not subtle. Like, Belle clearly knew that this talking candlestick was trying to get her to bone a gross animal with the song.
Sebastian, however, really laid the pipes down for Kiss The Girl. This song is a wingman classic, and conditions were perfect for kissing. When I watch that scene of The Little Mermaid, I’m tempted to go up to the screen and kiss Ariel myself. He gets the job done in a subtle way, and provides a great mood.
Winner: Sebastian
Second Category: Sealing the deal with speed
Both Lumiere and Sebastian were under time crunches to make this damn thing happen! For Lumiere, there were magical petals falling from a rose. For Sebastian, a sea witch had a 3-day time limit. And for your friend Brad, the bar closes at 11PM due to COVID so time is of the essence.
It’s important for a wingman to know how to do his job quickly, so let’s compare Lumiere and Sebastian in the category of speed.
To be honest, they both failed. Sebastian didn’t seal the deal before the third day, and Lumiere was busy canoodling some french feather duster as the last rose petal fell.
So while they both failed, at least Lumiere got some action so I’m giving this category win to him!!
Winner: Lumiere
Category: Get it done, and get out
Another necessity of the wingman is to know the right time to leave and let your puppets be alone together! It’s crucial to disappear into the night at exactly the right time when your bro and his lady are hitting it off.
When I re-watched these wingman masterpieces I noticed that one character did this correctly, while the other did not. Sebastian said “happy marriage” to Ariel and let her be, while Lumiere turned into a human, and then stuck around the castle forever.
I’m sure Walt Disney would agree with me on this: What a cock block move.
Nobody wants the wingman as their best man or neighbor, you know? So a finger wag to Lumiere and a crowning victory to Sebastian for this category.
Winner: Sebastian
So who is the ultimate Disney wingman? With a lead in the categories - it is Sebastian!!
Let’s take a moment of silence and appreciate this fantastic hard-shelled and soft-bellied wingman. With iconic lines like “baby it’s better, down where it’s wetter” and “yes, you want her, look at her you know you do” I think Sebastian just oozes wingman charisma.
So the next time you’re about to hit the bars and you’re thinking of calling up Chad to help you with the ladies, why not stop by a PetSmart instead and bring a crab with you? Just a thought! No bad ideas in brainstorming!
Also if any Disney lawyers are reading this (my blog is very popular) please do not come for me. I did not slander the good name of Disney in this blog post. I sincerely think that these characters are great wingmen.
Until the next one,
S